Trump Delays TikTok Ban: “I Have Too Many Bangers Waiting In My Drafts”
President Donald Trump has once again extended the deadline for TikTok to be sold to an American company, citing a backlog of videos deemed “certified bangers” that “the world needs to see.” “We’re...
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Trump Declares War On JEFF, “That Man Cannot Have Nukes”
President Donald Trump has declared war on Jeff, citing Jeff’s potential ownership of up to ten nuclear weapons. Who precisely Jeff is and why he personally owns so many nuclear weapons remains...
View ArticleTrump To Be Awarded Nobel War Prize
President Donald Trump is tipped to be the first recipient of the newly created ‘Nobel War Prize’, following his attacks on an Iranian nuclear facility, potentially escalating a tense situation into...
View ArticleX Just Gives Up And Permanently Pins ‘WW3’ To Top Of Trending Bar
The artist formerly known as Twitter, ‘X’, has decided to just make everything easier for everyone by pinning the phrase ‘WW3’ to the top of their trending bar. As users have been quick to point out,...
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Jerome Powell Bullish On Crypto, Plans To Release Own Coin
US Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell has announced plans to release his own personal cryptocurrency, POWCOIN in order to cash in on recent bullishness around crypto. Just yesterday, Powell spoke...
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Jim Cramer Removes Michael Burry Mask He’s Been Wearing For Two Years
Mad Money host and cursed prophet of bad takes, James ‘Jim’ Cramer has revealed that he’s been in disguise as investor of Big Short fame, Michael Burry for years. The Scooby Doo reveal explains Burry’s...
View ArticleDollar Tumbles After Trump Announces Son Eric To Replace Jerome Powell
The dollar dropped massively after Donald Trump said he was looking at three or four people to replace “stupid” Fed Chair Jerome Powell. And whilst everyone was kept in suspense, bookies went wild with...
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Crypto Becomes Asset For Mortgages, Fartcoin Now Worth ‘Abandoned Warehouse...
In news that would give any boomer an aneurysm, the US Federal Housing Finance Agency has just issued an order to value Bitcoin and crypto as assets for a mortgage. Yeah, but I ain’t reading all that...
View ArticleCanada Scraps US Digital Tax, Apologises 26,000 Times
The United States of Canada (remember them?) has repealed its tech-attacking tax bill in a desperate attempt to appease its almighty god south of the border. Whilst last-minute pull-outs are not...
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Crying America Begs Mommy And Daddy To Stop Fighting
Millions of people across America are collectively standing in a bedroom doorway, crying for Elon Musk and Donald Trump to end their bitter feud. The once-perfect pairing of two overpowered narcissists...
View ArticleBezos Sells Amazon Shares To Pay For Wedding, Narrowly Avoids Bankruptcy
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos has sold off $737 million worth of Amazon ($AMZN) shares in order to fund his lavish wedding in Venice this week. Even though he ticked next-day delivery at checkout, Bezos’...
View ArticleTrump Reveals Plan To Tax Gambling Losses, Degens Now 10% More Unlucky
Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill just got a gambling amendment from the Senate as it makes its way to the final rounds of debate that might cripple all you unlucky degens out there. An iddy-biddy beautiful...
View ArticleElon Starts America Party, Trump Forms South Africa Party In Retaliation
X CEO and ex-DOGE, Elon Musk, has announced a plan to form a new political party, named the America Party, after Miley Cyrus’ 2018 hit, ‘Party In The U.S.A.’ Should the plan go ahead and not just be...
View ArticleJack Dorsey Unveils ‘Bitchat’, Musk Already In Talks To Buy And Rename It...
Twitter co-founder and professional hermit Jack Dorsey has emerged from his cave to announce a new peer-to-peer messaging app that works entirely using Bluetooth. Elon Musk immediately took to X and...
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Elon’s AI ‘Grok’ Goes Full Nazi To The Suprise Of No One
It seems that becoming a Nazi might be AIs version of carcinization. Before Grok was even a glint in Elon’s eye, Microsoft was forced to pull ‘Tay’, an early attempt at the modern era of chatbot, when...
View ArticleEmirates Now Accepting Bitcoin, Schedules Flights To Da Moon
In a move that has traditional economists reaching for their sick bags and jabbing the flight attendant button, Emirates airline has signed a Memorandum of Understanding (whatever that means) with...
View ArticleNvidia To Launch Shitty Knockoff AI Chip Just For China, America To Receive...
Nvidia ($NVDA) CEO Jensen Huang is planning on visiting Beijing next week ahead of launching a new AI chip specifically designed for the Chinese market due to Trump’s tightened export restrictions....
View ArticleKellogg Stocks Soar 5% Ahead Of Ferrero Takeover, Nutella Cornflakes Announced
Shares of the Kellanova (formerly the Kellogg Company) (NYSE: K) surged over 5% in early trading following the blockbuster announcement that the breakfast giant is in talks for an acquisition from...
View ArticleTrump Bans Jim Cramer From Saying He’s Bullish on Bitcoin
In a Move Hailed by Degens Everywhere, The Don Declares Bitcoin a ‘Cramer-Free Zone’ to ‘Make Crypto Great Again.’ President Donald J. Trump today issued a pre-emptive ban on Jim Cramer, the screaming...
View ArticleBig Tech Runs Out Of Things To Move Faster Than, Things To Break
Alright, listen up, you magnificent apes. A dark cloud is forming over Silicon Valley, and it’s not just the vape smoke from a thousand Teslas stuck in traffic. A catastrophic, existential crisis is...
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