Trump Appoints Hulk Hogan As Secretary Of Whoopin’ Ass
President-elect, Donald Trump has appointed retired wrestler Hulk Hogan to the newly created role of “Secretary Of Whoopin’ Ass” ahead of his inauguration in January. Hogan, whose real name is...
View ArticleElon Made Head Of Efficiency, Immediately Fires Self
In the wake of Donald Trump’s successful election campaign and Elon Musk’s successful bribe, Trump has appointed the tech billionaire to head up the Department of Government Efficiency. Looking to make...
View ArticleJohn Krasinski Named Sexiest Man Alive, Disappointing Dozens
Across the globe, millions of men cried out in pain and then immediately committed seppuku, knowing that they had lost out on the chance to be dubbed the sexiest man alive. Instead, PEOPLE Magazine’s...
View ArticleJack Nicholson Comes Out Of Retirement To Play Future Attorney General Mark...
Acclaimed actor, Jack Nicolson has announced he has been forced to end his retirement prematurely following Donald Trump’s selection of Mark Gaetz for attorney general. Nicholson has been playing the...
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How To Save $2 Trillion Selling Lemonade
Alright, I’m going to break this down real simple so even a billionaire can understand. It’s summer and your mom has given you $6.75 trillion to start a lemonade stand. Now you’re a savvy business boy...
View ArticleTrump To Replace Border With 300ft Chasm
“Dig the pit!” was a rallying cry for many Trump supporters during the election and will now become a reality after the president-to-be unveiled a new policy in a recent video: replace the entire...
View ArticleJake Paul To Fight Fourth-Grader
Riding his momentous victory against the 58-year-old former heavyweight champion, YouTuber Jake Paul has scheduled his next match against ‘Zeke Peterson’, a local 9-year-old who likes dinosaurs. Zeke,...
View ArticleBiden To Hide In Amazon Until Presidency Expires
Following a trip to the Amazon ahead of Brazil’s G20 summit, President-still Joe Biden has announced his intentions to remain in the rainforest indefinitely and, “Wait for this whole thing to blow...
View ArticleMiss Universe Runs As Normal, Breaks Internet
Danish model Victoria Kjær Theilvig has been crowned 2024’s Miss Universe winner, causing political commentators on the internet (well, just X, really) to go into meltdown. Son of the next president,...
View ArticleGoogle Forced To Sell Chrome, Buys Internet Explorer
Following the DOJ’s ruling that it must sell off its web browser, Google has found a clever workaround by purchasing Microsoft’s defunct browser, Internet Explorer. “Yeah, we gotta lot of patching to...
View ArticleX Users Flock To New Social Media Platform ‘Vine’
The #Xodus continues with as many as a million users flocking to delete their X accounts and resettle on the video-sharing website known only as Vine. The move comes in the wake of the election with...
View ArticleBiden To Lend Ukraine His Secret Hurricane-Making Machine
Following Ukraine’s first use of US missiles and Biden’s agreement to supply anti-personnel mines to the country, the President has now revealed that he will also allow Zelensky to use America’s secret...
View ArticleTrump Officially Files For Divorce From Elon Musk
Donald Trump has officially filed to divorce long-time partner Elon Musk after two months of allyship. The move comes after reports that the honeymoon was over and the future president has become tired...
View ArticleWicked Marketing Budget Surpasses National Debt
The money spent promoting the Wicked movie has now reached $37 trillion, surpassing the United States national debt of $36 trillion. According to the website, ‘Wicked Budget vs Nation Debt Tracker Dot...
View ArticleKorean Man Becomes Obese to Avoid Military Draft
In South Korea, a man has been convicted for attempting to avoid military service by binge eating until he became obese (for real though, I’m not making a story up this time). After being sentenced to...
View ArticleIsrael-Hezbollah Ceasefire Leaves Thousands Confused, ‘Which War Is Over?’
This is Peter. He likes to stay informed. He keeps up to date on the news from multiple sources. He’ll even pick up a book now and then. Peter thinks he’s on top of current affairs, but even Peter is...
View ArticleThanksgiving Debate: LIVE!
In what many are calling the most important political debate of the year, You and Your Opinionated Uncle are scheduled to face off this Thanksgiving. Although not the first, depending on the rhetoric,...
View ArticleJaguar Opts For No Logo At All After Rebrand Backlash
Last week, car manufacturer Jaguar unveiled an extensive rebrand, ditching the iconic wildcat logo for a minimalist text design. Car aficionados and...
View ArticleJack Nicholson Re-enters Retirement Following Mark Gaetz Departure
Acclaimed actor, Jack Nicholson has announced he has been forced to reenter his retirement having only just said he would return to acting to play politician Mark Gaetz. Just two weeks ago,...
View ArticleElon Musk Harasses Government Employees Off X To Increase Efficiency
Although Donald Trump is not the president yet and the Department of Government Efficiency (or ‘DOGE’ for short if you would like to save time and be more efficient about it by just using a shortened...
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