Joe Biden Pardons Self
Following a growing spate of wait-can-a-president-really-do-that-now moves, Joe Biden has pardoned himself of “any wrongdoing and any crimes committed in the future and present across the universe”....
View ArticleElon Musk Finally Buys Mars
Elon’s got a lot to jump for joy about right now. Having successfully bought his way into the next presidential administration, along with several successful rocket launches recently, now Musk is in...
View ArticleTrump Calls South Korean President To Say Impeachment “Ain’t No Thang”
South Korean President, Yoon Suk Yeol’s bid to regain control of parliament by declaring martial law has backfired and now his opponents are looking to impeach the unpopular politician. But Yoon has...
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McDonald’s Experiences Sudden Labor Shortage As Crypto Bros Hit Big
Bitcoin has finally surged to a new record value of $100,000 per coin and in completely unrelated news, McDonald’s is experiencing a staff shortage as crypto bros up and down the country quit their...
View ArticleBREAKING: Spotify Wrapped Accidentally Leaks Pentagon Secrets
In an attempt to summarize users’ listening habits, music streaming platform, Spotify has inadvertently revealed top-secret government information. Rather than viewing their streaming figures, some...
View ArticlePrime Minister Barnier Makes A French Exit
Alright, let’s have some European politics, as a palette cleanser. Hear me out. French Prime Minister Michel Barnier has been ousted from his top position after pushing through a controversial budget...
View ArticleThanksgiving Is Over, Hatesgiving Begins
Now that Thanksgiving has officially run its course and all thanks have been suitably expunged, the nation is free to return to its natural unthankful state. “But what if I’m more than unthankful?” I...
View ArticleHawk Tuah To Replace Jerome Powell as Fed Chairman
Just yesterday Donald Trump said he would not be removing ‘Jerome’ ‘Jay’ ‘Powell’ from his position as chairman of the Federal Reserve. Today, however, the president-of-Christmas-future announced that...
View ArticleMurder Legalized If You’re Really Cool About It
26-year-old Luigi Mangione has been arrested in relation to the murder of UnitedHealthcare CEO, Brian Thompson. But lawyers say he is unlikely to be convicted since “He was really cool about it.”...
View ArticleInfoWars Buys The Onion
In a bizarre Uno reversal of fortune, far-right conspiracy theorist website InfoWars (“There’s a War on For Your Mind!”) has stumped up the cash to purchase satirical news website The Onion. The...
View ArticleIranian Mothership Towed For Parking Violation
Following numerous unexplained drone sightings, New Jersey parking authorities have determined the origin of the strange lights to be a massive Iranian spaceship floating above the clouds in violation...
View ArticleGoogle Simultaneously Unveils And Doesn’t Unveil Quantum Chip
This week Google announced, ‘Willow’, the most powerful quantum chip ever developed. At the same time, however, Google did not announce any such chip and there is no evidence of ‘Willow’ ever existing....
View ArticleElon Musk Distances Himself From ‘Disease X’ Outbreak
Following the rise in cases of badass-ly-named ‘Disease X’ in the Democratic Republic of Congo, Elon Musk has come out to officially explain, “I swear this has nothing to do with me.” The eccentric...
View ArticleNew Trans-Atlantic Tunnel Plans “Definitely Real” Claims Science
Over the past week, a number of legitimate and not-so-legitimate publications have written stories on a “3,400-mile tunnel” across the Atlantic Ocean connecting London and New York. All of these...
View ArticleDonald Trump To Scrap Daylight
The soon-to-be-former-ex-president Donald ‘the Don’ Trump has announced his plans to end daylight, saying that getting up in the morning and seeing the sun and everything was very “costly to our...
View ArticleTikTok’s Time’s Ticking
TikTok’s ticked off as the clock’s tick-tocking for the top scrolling dot com to get shot of spy bots and go back to hip-hop and dance-offs. Stop the clock! A lot of pots have got dropped off top cop...
View ArticleChristmas Voted Most Popular Vacation For Second Year Running
The results are in and it’s jingle all the way! In a nationwide survey, Christmas has been officially declared America’s most popular day beating out other popular days such as the Fourth of July, the...
View ArticleTop 8 End Of Year Lists
If you could say anything about this year it’s that it’s been a year, that’s for sure. Of all the years preceding this one (1898 or 1310 for example), this year is certainly the one that has been...
View ArticleElon Musk To Remove Controversial ‘New Year Fireworks Mode’ From Cybertrucks
Tesla CEO Elon Musk has announced he will be deactivating a hidden ‘New Year’s Fireworks Mode’ in the next Cybertruck update after one model exploded in front of a Trump hotel in Las Vegas. Reportedly...
View ArticleEMBARRASSING: Local Man Recycles Resolution From Last New Year
PENSACOLA, FL: Local man Gary Siphonson, (unless you’re not local to him, in which case, I don’t know what to tell you) has made his New Year resolution to learn how to juggle for the fifth time in a...
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