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Earth’s Core Now Banana-Shaped Claim ‘Scientists’
In a shocking discovery that has shocked scientists and sent shockwaves through the scientific community, a research team has discovered that the earth’s core is not spherical as previously thought but...
View ArticleScientists Discover How to Extract Energy from Dad Jokes
In a groundbreaking scientific breakthrough, a team of researchers has discovered a way to extract energy from dad jokes. The team, led by Dr. Richard ‘Dick’ Pun (no relation), professor of humor...
View ArticleBREAKING: Eoln Musk Fries Government Smell Chekers
THIS JUST IN: A ‘Wite Hose’ press release has confirmed the news that Eoln Musk has “fried all government smell chekers” [sic]. The announcement does not clarify who these smell chekers were or what...
View ArticleTrump Accidentally Ends Cold War
President Elected, Donald Trump has officially ended almost a century of Cold War tensions between Russia and America seemingly by accident. In an effort to end American spending on aid for Ukraine...
View ArticleNorth Korea Promises To Return Stolen ETH “When We’re Done Using It”
Last week, the crypto world was left shooketh when North Korean hackers pulled off the single largest heist in history. Now, in a dramatic cooling of geopolitical tensions, North Korea has agreed to...
View ArticleMrBeast Starts Funding Round, Must Not Leave Circle For $5 Billion
“I’M HERE, IN A CIRCLE AND IF I LEAVE I LOSE 5 BILLION DOLLARS!!!” shouts Mr. Beast, grinning ear to ear whilst somehow also maintaining no expression whatsoever. Yes, this is the news that Mr. James...
View ArticleWilly Wonka To Sue Donald Trump For Stealing ‘Golden Ticket’ Idea
The estate of the late chocolatier, William K. Wonka has filed a lawsuit against Donald K. Trump regarding his latest plan to offer ‘Gold Card’ Visas to the wealthy. The Wonka estate claims that Trump,...
View ArticleBREAKING NEWS: TURKEY TO GIVE AMERICA 420 MILLION EGGS
In a story that looks like a parody news writer wrote it, the United States is braced to accept 420 (blaze it) million eggs from a single very, very prolific turkey. Get that boy a presidential pardon!...
View ArticleArea Man Discovers He’s Been Pronouncing “Crypto” Wrong His Entire Life
SPRINGFIELD, IL—Local(ish) man Dorish Jallos III was shocked and embarrassed and disgusted to learn that he had been pronouncing the word “crypto” incorrectly his entire life. “I’ve always said it how...
View ArticleSHOCKING: TV Personalities Fail To Negotiate World Peace
The world is still reeling from the near-fatal dose of cringe unleashed from Zelensky and Trump’s first sit-down peace discussion (debate?). During the talk (ambush?) J ‘to the D’ Vance finally joined...
View ArticleWill Smith Kills Man At Oscars
Breaking news: Will Smith has killed a man at this year’s Oscars. The actor who was barred from ever hitting anyone again because it’s illegal was not allowed at this year’s Oscars. He did show up to...
View ArticleAll Republicans Ejected From Trump Address For Chanting U.S.A. Too Loudly
Every single member of the republican party was removed from the House Chamber this Tuesday after disrupting President Trump’s Address to Congress by whooping and chanting “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” repeatedly....
View ArticleWell, That’s Just Tariff-ic! Trump’s Trade War Ruins My Chances Of Becoming A...
Ok, so in hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have put all my life savings into futures stocks against Canadian bacon. Trump’s 25% tariff has hit Canada, Mexico, China and if I’m being honest, my whole ass....
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Wall Street Traders Now Using Emoji to Communicate Complex Financial Strategies
Winky face. Christmas tree. Eggplant. Now, that might seem like gibberish to the lay person, but to any savvy wallstreeter, this is a multi-million dollar deal and potentially the future of trading....
View ArticlePokémon-shaped Cheeto Sells For $87,840, Millions Immediately Search Couch Crack
In a bizarre story that is 100% real, a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto shaped like the Pokémon Charizard has just sold for nearly $90,000, prompting millions of people across America to search down the crevice...
View ArticleTrump No Longer Sharing Intelligence With Ukraine, No Real Difference Felt
In a STUNNING turn of events that has left me personally stunned, DONALD TRUMP has ceased the sharing of intelligence with Ukraine, leading to Ukraine to comment, “Meh.” “Hey, we’re not saying you’re...
View ArticleIMPROBABLE: Canada Also Has Political News
In a shocking turn of events that has shocked Americans across the Americas, it turns out that there has been another America above America this whole time. And they also have major political news? OK,...
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Trump To Replace Presidential Motorcade With Cybertrucks
In a show of solidarity with Elon Musk against his slumping Tesla stock, Donald j. Trump (The President) has said he will “buy a brand new Tesla” but then went one step further and promised to replace...
View ArticleBREAKING: Ukraine Makes Peace With United States
The war is finally over! After seemingly endless fighting, Ukraine has finally declared an end to the hostilities with its long-time rival, the United States of America. On Tuesday, Ukrainian and US...
View ArticleDow Jones? More like, DOWN Jones, Am I Right??
Wall Street Crash? More like Wall Street CRASHED into a wall, am I right?? NASDAQ? More like nas-CRAP! Am I right?? 401Ks? More like four-oh-WANT Ks, am I right?? Tariff? More like TRAGIC, am I right?...
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