Farewell! DOGE Cuts Funding For Satirical News Articles
Eventually, every party has to come to an end, no matter how cool and popular. Elon Musk’s mission to shut down every government agency has finally reached the essential Department of Satirical...
View ArticleMan Deep In Pit Insists Solution Is “Just A Little Lower”
A local man digging a very deep hole for himself has insisted that the solution to his ‘digging problem’ is to “just keep digging.” For years, the unwritten rule of the beach is that sandcastle...
View ArticleNew Study Finds Violence Causes Video Games
It’s a debate as old as video games themselves. Does violence cause video games or can video games be created peacefully? Well, new research from a team of scientists suggests that yes, violence is in...
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Trump Accuses Biden Of Being A Pen, “Everything Is Computer”
The currently president of the United States of America, Donald Joey Trump has accused formerly President Joey Donald Biden of being a pen this whole time. In an address to reporters, Trump said, “The...
View ArticleStranded Astronauts Decide To Remain On ISS “Earth Sucks”
Despite finally receiving their ride home, the two astronauts stuck on the International Space Station have decided they’d rather stay up in space after all. Butch Wilmore and Suni Williams were only...
View Article“Oopsie… Too Late,” To Be Written Into Constitution As Valid Legal Defence
The legal rebuttal of ‘oopsie… too late’ has been officially codified into law after its successful use by El Salvador’s President Nayib Bukele to defy a federal judge. The judge attempted to block...
View ArticleRipple To Rebrand as Tsunami After XRP Surges Post SEC Lawsuit
Crypto company Ripple has announced its upcoming rebrand to ‘Tsunami’ following a surge in XRP after the Securities and Exchange Commission dropped its lawsuit against the company. “Ripple just really...
View ArticleNewly Released JFK Files Reveal Cause Of Death Was Suicide
Donald Trump has released more than 63,000 previously redacted pages about the death of President John F. Kennedy. After scouring 2,200 files, experts have unanimously concluded that JFK was not...
View ArticleScientists Discover New Species of Wombat That Only Eats Doritos
New research conducted by the PepsiCo company has uncovered the existence of a rare, previously unknown species of wombat that subsists solely on Doritos. Ingeniously named the ‘Doritos Wombat’...
View ArticlePutin Admits To Using Secret KGB Method Of ‘Crossing Fingers Behind Back’ In...
Russian President Vladimir Putin has admitted that at multiple points during peace negotiations with Ukraine, he has secretly crossed his fingers behind his back, making all his statements at the time...
View ArticleTake A Look At Donald Trump’s Unhinged Morning Routine
This week fitness influencers have been going viral by releasing in-depth breakdowns of their intense morning routines. Now, Donald Trump has gotten in on the trend and the White House has released an...
View ArticleTurkey Bans Short Selling, Pants Sales Skyrocket
The country Turkey (not the animal, that would be stupid) has banned the sale of shorts across all markets leading to a massive spike in the sale of pants and pantsuits. The move is an attempt to halt...
View ArticleBREAKING: Donald Trump Accidentally Adds JD Vance To Group Chat
In a serious lack of judgment that could cost millions of lives, President Donald Trump mistakenly added Vice President JD Vance to a private group chat discussing super top secret presidential...
View ArticleSnow White Tanks Disney Stock, Animated Remake In The Works
High Ho? More like New Low: The Walt Disney company has taken a massive hit this week after Snow White only earned $87.3 million against an estimated budget of $270m. Disney stock is down 10% over the...
View ArticleMusk To Sell Three-Wheeled Teslas To Avoid Trump’s 25% Auto Tariff
Tesla CEO, Elon Musk, has announced a new line of three-wheeled vehicles in an effort to outmaneuver Trump’s new 25% auto tariff. Trump’s tariff is an import tax of 25% on all cars and car parts....
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Trump Outlaws Ghibli-Style AI Pics Of JD Vance
OpenAI just added advanced image generation to ChatGPT 4.0, making it finally powerful enough to generate the highest expression of visual art: Studio Ghibli-style pictures of JD Vance. But not...
View ArticleMarch Madness Deemed Contagious And Fatal By Leading Doctors
A panel of leading medical experts has issued a health warning against the neurological condition colloquially known as ‘March Madness’. Although previously thought to be just a fun moniker for the...
View ArticleGreenland’s Response To JD Vance: “Sorry, Who Are You?”
JD Vance has returned home from window-shopping Greenland, in which he reiterated that Trump really, really wants to invade the territory. Greenlanders have now responded to his threats with a...
View ArticleTrump Calls Marine Le Pen To Say Embezzlement “Ain’t No Thang”
Donald Trump has reportedly called French right-wing politician Marine Le Pen to assure her that she has nothing to worry about after she was found guilty of embezzlement. Over the three-hour phone...
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Hooters Opts For Reduction Surgery
The restaurant chain known only as ‘Hooters’, famous for its chicken wings and nothing else, has declared: BANKRUPTCY! But don’t worry! They’re not getting rid of your favorite orange thing, this is...
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